he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
