SEEEEXXX PLEASE
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
