no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
