She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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