my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
