Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
