omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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