Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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