You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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