then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
