I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
