im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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