so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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