its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
