When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
