There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
