You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
