im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
