I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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