Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
