I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
