I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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