were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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