I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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