I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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