how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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