Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
