I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
