Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
