every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
