I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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