When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My feet surprised me
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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