My Higher Power is John Stamos
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
