escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
