i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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