My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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