Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
