My first STD was from a foam party
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
