My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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