does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
