In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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