Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
