Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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