by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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