I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
