Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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