He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
