update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.