cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
