When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.