When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
