you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
