i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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