True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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