dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
