naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i now understand why vodka
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
