New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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