Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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