At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
