Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
