yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
