im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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