Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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