god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We're too hungover to prance.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
