I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
