Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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