I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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