I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
