If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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