All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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